i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
