Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
