You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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