i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
