i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
