Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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