this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
