sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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