Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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