Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
