theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
