I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
This is the high leading the old right now
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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