The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Randomize