So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
