I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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