i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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