Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
