i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
