I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
