did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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