Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
