I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
