im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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