I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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