you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
