The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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