He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
