So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
