I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
