she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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