So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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