Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
