Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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