you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
