I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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