I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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