Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
