I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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