fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
