I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
