accomplished twins. life is a go
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
