im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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