This is not my ceiling
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
