I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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