I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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