Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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