i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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