i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
