I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
