I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
