no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
