Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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