just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
