captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
