Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
barbara walters just said penis...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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