i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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