Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
