but the lizard people decide everything anyway
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
