So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I want to be your penis for a week.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
