I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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