ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
